Hello friends! It’s that time of the week again where I share what’s been weighing heavy on my heart. And this time around, along with my ‘confessions’, I thought I would share a little bit about who I am as well.
It dawned on me today while I was at work that I haven’t really given you all a chance to get to know me. Well…I mean you know me. You know that I’m witty and fabulous (the fact that you’ve read past this part is confirmation enough of said fact) but you don’t know much about me, save for my attempt at an enigmatic description on my about page. Well in order for this week’s confession to make sense, we’re gonna have to get personal. I mean down to the nitty-gritty. *Deep breath* Here we go.
To say that summer was a crash course in chaos theory would be an understatement. Coming back to school in the fall, I felt a certain detachment.
I’m an ACOD. In case you don’t know what that means, it translates to adult child of divorce. The divorce technically hasn’t happened but good luck finding an acronym for adult child of parents who are legally still married but are totally separated and definitely still heading for divorce. Yeah. Doesn’t really roll off the tongue as easily. This might seem like over sharing, but I promise that this pays off. See, have to understand my family dynamic to understand the weight of this week’s confession.
I think it goes without saying that there has been a noticeable shift in our dynamic since my father left (that still feels weird to say…). It was right before my senior year of college and I was already dealing with some issues and personal disappointments. To say that summer was a crash course in chaos theory would be an understatement. Coming back to school in the fall, I felt a certain detachment. I had always been a daddy’s girl whose parents spoiled her and I didn’t have that anymore. I retreated back into the shell that I had been picking away at since my freshman year. While always messy – I like to think of it as a sign of my genius – I began to just let the clutter build, only cleaning when I absolutely needed to.
In a perfect world, we would still be one big happy family. We don’t live in a perfect family. Our levels of happiness vary from day-to-day.
I wound up working 5 jobs (while balancing classes and orgs mind you). Not because my family was struggling. But because my love of nice things didn’t walk out the door with my father, and if I couldn’t turn to my friends for comfort, at least I could get lost in some retail therapy. I learned a lot about myself that year. I learned that I could hustle when needed. I learned that I was a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for. And I learned just how much my family means to me. We became a well oiled machine. And while there were some hiccups, we each fell into our places.
Well, the time has come for this cog to leave. Me. I’m talking about me. I’m the cog that has to leave. If you follow me on any social media, I’m sure you know that I am moving to New York City this year. This is a dream I’ve had since childhood and I’m finally pursuing it. Am I afraid to live in NYC? Hell no! I can’t wait. Leaving on the other hand is a totally different story.
I’m excited about starting this new chapter in my life….I just wish I could have a final resolution to the one I’m leaving behind
I’ve never been more than 2 hours away from home for an extended period of time (let’s say more than 1 week). As vain as this might sound, I’m worried about how the machine will operate now that I’m gone. I’ve been my mom’s right hand man since before my brother was gone. My dad used to be in the Navy and when he would go off on floats for months at a time, it would just be my mom and me. When my brother was born, I remember helping her out by getting his bottles and changing him when she so she could sleep because she had to get up early for work. We’ve always been a team, even if that team is slightly dysfunctional.
Now that I’m leaving, how will that team work? I worry about how and when things will get done. I worry because I won’t be able to physically check on her everyday. This is a bigger deal than you may realize; when I was a child, I would sneak into my parents’ room at night to make sure they were still breathing (and to sometimes catch sneak views of Saturday Night Live)! My mother is an adult and knows how to take care of herself, but I’ve never not been in the equation in some way, shape, or form.
I’m fortunate enough to have my mom’s support. She doesn’t charge me rent for staying with her, just some household duties (although I would be remiss if I did not confess that I’m not sure how often those will get done now that I’m leaving. My brother – bless his heart – is not the domestic type if you catch my drift). It would ease my soul tremendously to know that the second I touched down in NYC, everything was running like clockwork back home. But it won’t. because that’s not how life works. Things will probably be messy for a while. And the adjustment period will probably be a little rough for both of us. I’m excited about starting this new chapter in my life….I just wish I could have a final resolution to the one I’m leaving behind. In a perfect world, we would still be one big happy family. We don’t live in a perfect family. Our levels of happiness vary from day-to-day.
I guess the word I’m searching for is….guilt. I feel slightly guilty about leaving. My dad left and now I’m leaving and I worry that my mom will be all alone. She’s always made it clear that she wants me to go out and live my life and pursue my dreams. I just didn’t realize that I would miss her this much.
What’s the hardest thing you’ve done? Let me know in the comments!